5.2 Reasons to Stay Away from Gotham (When Starting a Criminal Empire)

5.2 Reasons to Stay Away from Gotham (When Starting a...

By Kevin Mahadeo Thursday, October 25th, 2012

So you want to launch a criminal empire.


Maybe you really, really like money, but don't want to spend years toiling away at a job and earning it through "hard work" and "dedication." Maybe you really like the idea of being in charge and having minions to do your bidding—and the idea of monologues gets you as giddy as Cookie Monster locked in an Oreo factory. Maybe you seriously love the movie Scarface but totally missed the point of that film. Or maybe Super-Villains Month on DCComics.com has brought out a bit of your evil side—which we totally get (we recently saw a sign that said "No Loitering" and stood there for, like, 20 seconds!).


Whatever the reason, being bad just seems oh so good all of a sudden, and you’ve decided it's time you started your own villainous organization. Considering the amount of heroes that generally populate the DC Universe, we don't necessarily encourage this course of action, but to each their own. We won't judge. But we will offer this little piece of advice: DO NOT GO TO GOTHAM CITY. Seriously. Start your organization somewhere else.



Gotham may seem appealing—it’s already a breeding ground for crime and seems to have a revolving door policy on criminals—but don't be fooled. In fact, we’re here with 5.2 Reasons to Stay Away from Gotham (When Starting a Criminal Empire).


1. Batman

Honestly, this should be obvious. If you didn't know, there's a nocturnal enthusiast in Gotham that enjoys dressing like a bat, hopping around rooftops, and—most importantly to you—beating the ever-living tar out of criminals. This guy has a zero tolerance policy on crime and will use not only his fists to prove it but a whole array of gadgets and gizmos designed to disable even the toughest of foes—and believe us, there are some tough ones. He got his back broken and got better. He was jettisoned back in time as a quantum-leaping bomb and still figured a way out of it. Unless you have superpowers—and even then it probably wouldn't do you much good—he is not someone you want to tangle with.



2. Criminal Overpopulation

You never want to saturate the market. Stock goes down or whatever. We're not too sure how it works. We hide our money in squirrel nests—because if they can hide their acorns in our yard, we can hide our money in theirs. The point is that too many people competing for the same steal is bad for business, and Gotham gangs are incredibly territorial. It's not uncommon for wars to break out and one gang to eliminate another. In fact, there was an instance after an earthquake where that exact thing happened. But really the biggest gangs already belong to the biggest bads, and they would not hesitate to torture or kill anyone who tries to encroach on their territory—especially some upstart newcomer.



3. Costumed Villainy

Another trademark of the Gotham City criminals is their tendency toward the spectacle—namely dressing up in costumes and running amok throughout the city committing acts of themed villainy. The most powerful villains all have their own shtick, and if you really want to become someone in Gotham, you'll have to follow suit. However, all the really good ones are already taken: ice, birds, enigmas, Alice in Wonderland-based psychotic delusions. But hey, you could always be the next Balloon Master, committing crimes and leaving behind balloon animals as your calling card.


4. It's Full of Crazy People

Look, Gotham City is protected by a potentially unstable human being that dresses like a bat. So needless to say, its villainous population isn't exactly the sanest group of individuals. One guy commits crimes on holidays dressed in a costumed based on said holiday. (Google Calendar Man if you don't believe us.) But make no mistake: crazy as they may be, they are all incredibly dangerous. Going into Gotham, you're practically walking into a madhouse...



5. Arkham Asylum

...and then you get sent to an actual madhouse. Just about all of Gotham's worst villains get sent to Arkham eventually. And of course, they respond by eventually and often violently breaking out—leaving behind a path of death and chaos with a regularity that would make the sun rising every day seem like a freak occurrence. Arkham Asylum is not a place you want to be. Ever. Unless you enjoy living each day of your life in constant fear of a guy who thinks his ventriloquist dummy is real or a girl who not only spends every day talking to plants, but somehow gets them to do what she says. In which case, maybe you belong in there after all.



5.1 There's a 10-Year-Old That Can Beat You Up... And Will Gladly Do So



5.2 You Never, Ever, Ever Want to Run Into This Guy:



So as you can see, Gotham City might not be the best place to kickstart your criminal empire. Maybe you should try Metropolis... oh wait, they have Superman. Well, there’s Star Ci... Central or Keystone... no... You know what, maybe you just shouldn't start a criminal empire. We really don't think it's going to work out. Instead, keep visiting DCComics.com and live the bad life vicariously as Super-Villains Month continues!