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Declassified: Surviving the Suicide Squad's Most Notorious Missions

Declassified: Surviving the Suicide Squad's Most...

By Alex Jaffe Monday, August 23rd, 2021

The following report has been declassified and released under the Superhuman Transparency and Accountability Reclamation (S.T.A.R.) Act under request by Lois Lane of the Daily Planet.

In James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad, Task Force X undertook what may have been its greatest challenge to date: neutralizing the intergalactic alien threat known as Starro. As an entity which has required, on occasion, the entire Justice League to defeat, Amanda Waller’s pet project had its hands full with the mission and not everyone survived. But it’s not like the Suicide Squad hasn’t been in dangerous scrapes before. Declassified for your perusal, we present a few files prepared by the actuaries who provide Director Waller with the estimated casualty risks before each of Task Force X’s missions.
 

Legends

A building-sized, burning demon identified as “Brimstone” is on a flaming rampage through the United States. Justice League Detroit, the only active iteration of the League, has failed to stop it. Director Waller has requested to mobilize her new task force for the execution of this new threat.

SURVIVABILITY: Very low.

Sending an untested team against a threat of this magnitude on their first run is, in a word, inadvisable. We suggest starting on a lower stakes mission and working up—oh, never mind, actually, Waller’s already dispatched them. And now, Blockbuster’s dead. I guess this is how things are going to be.
 

Apokolips Now!

The asset codenamed “The Duchess” (read more about her in our special report filed here) has been revealed as an amnesiac Lashina of Darkseid’s Female Furies and has taken the team with her to her homeworld of Apokolips, throne world of Darkseid. Their mission: return to home base intact.

SURVIVABILITY: Practically zero.

Apokolips is considered the most dangerous place in the universe, ruled absolutely by the most powerful villain in existence. 100% casualties expected.
 

The Doomsday Protocol

President Lex Luthor has authorized Task Force X for a vital mission in the “Imperiex War” against the extraterrestrial threat identified as Imperiex-Prime. Their mission: the retrieval and deployment of Doomsday, the entity which once killed Superman, against this greater threat.

SURVIVABILITY: Low.

If Imperiex doesn’t atomize the entire team, the acquisition of the Doomsday asset likely will. Only mitigating factor is the presence of Superman, who traditionally prevents casualties in even the most precarious scenarios.
 

Zombie Stadium

For the first mission of the “New 52” incarnation of the so-called Suicide Squad, the team—now including, for the first time, Harley Quinn—has been prepared for dispatch against a contained zombie virus outbreak in a football stadium. Their mission: eradicate the sixty thousand infected and secure the antibodies before they break loose.

SURVIVABILITY: Acceptable bounds.

While grim, missions such as these are the very reason we employ super-villains for plausible deniability. Actuaries are confident in this team’s capacity for unrepentant mass murder.
 

Forever Evil

The Crime Syndicate of America has infiltrated our world and released all assets interred at Belle Reve Penitentiary. Contact has been attempted with the active Task Force X to exfiltrate Director Waller and regain control of the facility.

SURVIVABILITY: Acceptable bounds.

With all these super-villains running around, no matter who or how many die on this mission, we’ll have plenty of options once the dust clears for adequate replacements.
 

The Black Vault

Director Waller proposes a dispatch of the newly reorganized Suicide Squad into an underwater facility within the bounds of an enemy nation to retrieve a key asset contained within their “Black Vault.” What is it? The Kryptonian military leader known as “General Zod.”

SURVIVABILITY: Low.

We in the Task Force X actuarial department acknowledge the value of acquiring such an asset, but hold many concerns about the viability of recruiting General Zod as a member of the Suicide Squad. See the attached 92-page document containing our reasons. (Attachment deleted by Director Waller)
 

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad

Between her “Justice League of America” initiative and her team seen on film in 2016, Director Waller has recently been transfixed with the idea of creating a team built to counter the Justice League itself should that be required, and has suggested that the Suicide Squad could be such a team. The Justice League’s awareness of Task Force X’s current operations in Badhnisia should prove an adequate testing ground for Waller’s hypothesis.

SURVIVABILITY: Guaranteed.

The Justice League makes formidable enemies and chances of success are low, but they do not take steps to permanently neutralize their opposition. Granted, this is only applicable if the other, secret Suicide Squad doesn’t get involved…but really, what are the odds of that?
 

Sink Atlantis

Following the emergence of the Dark Multiverse, the kingdom of Atlantis has risen from the depths. Our defense experts have determined that the imbalance created by a magically endowed nation presents too much of a threat to global politics to persist in this state. Our mission is to restore the status quo by sending a small team to send it back into the sea.

We’d also like to see Killer Croc fight King Shark.

SURVIVABILITY: High.

Atlantis is governed by ‘Super Heroes,” who may not wish to risk an international incident by executing surface dwellers.
 

Future State

Recent events have disclosed the existence of the multiverse, and with it, the existence of Earth-3—home of the Crime Syndicate of America who invaded our world in the “Forever Evil” incident. Here, Waller proposes a pre-emptive strike by dispatching a team, including the asset “Superboy,” into the hostile world with designs to permanently quarantine it from the rest of reality.

SURVIVABILITY: Extremely low.

Earth-3 is a place where the rules of reality are written to favor the forces of evil and which resists any changes to the status quo. It’s understood that our soldiers aren’t coming back from this one. But that’s why we call them the Suicide Squad.
 

The Great Pie Mystery

We’ve been getting HR complaints about a series of pies being thrown around Belle Reve at a series of unexpecting staff and assets. This presents no threat risk that we can perceive, but it has been getting pretty annoying. Our recommendation is that Director Waller handle this matter personally.

SURVIVABILITY: Inapplicable, with the possible exception of whoever’s been doing this once we finally nail the bastard.
 

The Suicide Squad, directed by James Gunn, is now in theaters and streaming on HBO Max. Not yet an HBO Max subscriber? Sign up today to enjoy the best of DC movies and TV.